I think there's something wrong with my gums. It's been like this for two days - puffy and sore. My entire left jaw area hurts like hell but I can't stop pressing on it. God, I'm such a freak. It's seriously been giving me daymares. See, one of my worst fears is that my teeth will fall out. I read somewhere that means I'm superficial. Guess so.

I've been staring at the computer screen for way too long today. I'm at the point where things are starting to get fuzzy and my legs are all pricks.

I can't stop poking at it! It's so painful and I just want to rip my gums out but I can't stop.

I'm so mature.

I fasted for ten days, and lost twenty pounds.

Ended it by bingeing and purging numerous times.

My heart hurts, and my fingers are swollen.

I weigh 222.

Shit, shit, shit.

I know I don't look as bad as her, as she is thought to be lying about her weight (by at least 30, 40 pounds), and as I am about 5'9" and her height is somewhere between 5'4" and 5'7". Still, when I look at photographs of myself, it is not difficult to see the similarities and the possibility of looking like that in the future, if I continue this way.

The sad thing? I'm really, really hungry. Right now, I could really go for some pizza.

I just got back from the theatre office (closed). This is not good. I was supposed to audition last evening, but couldn't get a ride. Anyways, I left a message on the dry erase board, asking if I can audition tomorrow, during callbacks. I have been having second thoughts about this audition. For one thing, I haven't read the play; it's one that's not that well known, written by a Canadian author. I have, however, done my online research, and I honestly don't think I'm a good for either of the two female roles. Also, I feel fat. But that's a given. Despite the doubts, I still want to audition -- my horoscope said that this week, a talent scout will be impressed with me. Ha.

So far today, I've eaten an egg salad sandwich, and fries. With mayo. And the sandwich was greasy. Not good. What was really embarrassing was that when I asked for mayo, the Asian guy at the counter laughed, "You really like mayo!" Even the obese man standing in line behind me laughed.

Oh, my life...

I keep telling myself today's the day I- but I never follow through. This has been a pattern for as long as I can remember, and it has lost me so many opportunities. I just keep letting myself down. Not anymore... Please?

I didn't throw up. I realized that I wasn't sure where my classroom was, so I went straight to the building. When I finally got to class, I decided that there was no point in trying to throw it up.

I'm a little happy about that decision.

However, that class is just way too long. I can't believe that I have to take a four-hour long bio lab. I mean, I'm a theatre major. I don't need to know that biology shit. And then I have to do it again, for 1104? Ugh. Not excited.

Anyways, I'm really exhausted today. I think when I go home (in a few minutes), I'll take a two-hour nap, and then start on my homework.

School has started again, and I am so stressed. I still cannot believe that have had only a week's vacation between Maymester and Summer semester! Waking up at six is not fun. I'm taking four classes, from eight in the morning to seven forty-five in the evening. With only ten-minute breaks in between. What the fuck? The good thing is that I only have class two days a week, and today only have class from twelve to four.

Other than the rush of getting ready for school, nothing has changed. I'm almost done with cleaning my room. For the first time ever, my sister's side is messier. My father said he'll buy me a laptop if I keep it clean (yes, I realize how juvenile that sounds), and I really, really want a Mac. We'll see.

I've finally lost a little bit of weight. I'm at 221 lbs. right now, meaning I've only lost 7.5 lbs. since May 1st. I am definitely unhappy about that, but am proud that I have been maintaining around 221 lbs.

I have been throwing up pretty much every day I've been at school -- once a day, on average. However, last night I threw up my dinner. I had to be very sneaky because my sister was half-asleep on her bed, so I turned on some music and hid behind a box. It only took a few minutes, and I used several bags and a few sprays of Febreze and pushed it under my bed. I know it sounds disgusting -- it is -- but I just had to throw up. I'm not just saying that in a bulimic-denial way; I felt really, really nauseated.

Well, that's the story of my life, pathetic as it is. I'm about to go throw up some cold pizza and run to my bio lab.

I haven't gained any more weight. That definitely makes me happy.

I'm trying not to think about food, but I am so hungry.

Lately, I've been looking into psychedelics. Ayahuasca interests me the most, and I want to know if there are any ceremonies in the Atlanta area.

http://www.alternet.org/drugreporter/140215/have_you_ever_taken_ayahuasca_in_the_peruvian_amazon/?page=1

Sounds so exciting.

I binged again:

1 veggie burger from Burger King
1 asiago bagel with salmon shmear from Einstein Bros.
1 veggie burrito from Moe's
1 medium sized sweet tea
1 bag Salt and Vinegar chips
1 bag Welch's Fruit Snacks
1 large slice of cheeze pizza
Drank 32 oz. water

I'm about to go throw up.

Why can't I stop?

I've gained back pretty much all the weight I lost.

My uncle was in town so I was at his house for a few days.

I have no self-control.

I just threw up two veggie burgers, a large order of fries, a candy bar, and a cup of sweet tea.

And I'm still hungry.

I threw up again yesterday. It's becoming pretty automatic now. In fact, I am, at the moment planning on walking over to the student center, purchasing a veggie burger from Burger King, and maybe a bagel from Einstein Bro.'s, eating in the library and rushing off to my now-designated purging restroom.

Sick, isn't it?

I'm not yet at the point I was at four years ago, but I'm afraid that I will get there soon. When I first became bulimic, it was a slow process; I am now moving forward (or backwards, as you wish) at an exponentially faster rate.

Did I ever stop being bulimic? I mean, can it ever really go away? I've heard alcoholics say they are always alcoholics, but does that apply here? I know my disordered eating never really stopped (I gained 94 pounds back; it does, after all, work both ways), but I haven't been this bad in so long.

Another sick fact: yesterday, when I was throwing up (I use my right hand), my ring fell into the toilet. I'm vaguely excited about this because I've been wearing it on my pinky because it doesn't fit my ring finger, and lately I've been able to twist it around pretty comfortably. Needless to say, I did not retrieve it from the toilet.

I was too tired to go to my first class, so I pushed together two of the couches in the student center and slept for a solid four hours.

I wonder when my good days will start?

I'm not feeling well.

Today just hasn't been a good day.

I didn't wake up on time to email my teacher my speech.

I didn't finish my play on time, and bull-shitted my ending so I could make it to class before the door was locked. It has only six pages; the teacher asked for 10-20.

Just so, so tired.

I've thrown up twice today. This has to stop. I don't enjoy it; in fact, it hurts. For lunch, I had a veggie burger from Burger King, and before I even walked over to the student center, I knew I would throw it up. But I couldn't stop. It's sort of like being pulled by a string; my limbs were not my own. And when I went threw it up, some of it got stuck in my throat. I guess I hadn't had enough water to drink, and it hurt so badly, I was seriously afraid that I had damaged my throat.

Please God, please -- if you even fucking exist -- help me.

Caroline Trentini. Fabulous.

After ballooning up to 228.5 lbs, I decided to fast for 21 days. To clear the body and mind, but mostly to lose weight. Anyways, I had to stop on the fifth day; the Metformin really, really made me ill. I was throwing up non-stop, and just felt horrible. And so I've stopped taking my pills. They didn't help me anyways.

The good news is that I now weigh 217 lbs. I haven't weighed that little in forever, and I'm so, so glad that I'm finally out of the '20's. I've lost 11.5 lbs since May 1st, which is when I weighed that horrible, unmentionable, irrepeatable amount...

And I havent' eaten today.

The bad news is that I have a hefty bag of vomit under my bed.

I know I've been telling myself over and over again, that I need to change; that only I can start a different life; that my future rests on myself.

And I think I've done it, for real. I mean, it's taken a long while, but I am no longer a child.

I've learned to never lean on anyone... the hard way.

But I've been given the push that I know I needed.

So I'm... excited?

Some horrible things have happened. I'm so tired.

Today I ate two egg rolls and sucked down 20 oz. strawberry smoothie
from Smoothie King. Sounds appetizing, doesn't it? I always have a
hard time staying away from food on days that I have my group voice
class because it's all the way over by Aderhold, which is right in the
middle of a million restaurants and cafes. Anyways, I'm doing what I
can to avoid throwing up, so the obvious solution is to make sure I
don't over-eat. So I didn't throw up today!

In Acting II today, I finally got to perform my monologue. However,
just before I was to go on stage, Is told me that my monologue's too
long, so I made a mental note to cut out the equivalent of thirty
seconds from it. Needless to say, I had a bit of trouble focusing,
and my performance was rather choppy. When the professor started
critiquing me, I was blushing so much on stage, I thought my face
would melt from the heat. She wasn't unkind with her advice though,
and was actually rather kind. I just don't like being wrong, and was
very frustrated because I have performed this monologue before to
great reviews. After everyone else had left, I explained to her the
last minute changes, and she asked me to perform the original
monologue for her. After we cut a few lines, I performed it again, and
she said it was "quite lovely." So I feel much better now.

Tomorrow, I'll be performing all four monologues for my acting coach.
He's been helping me out for free (instead of the usual $50/hr!)
because he knows my father won't pay for sessions. I'm crossing my
fingers that everything will go well.

These past few days have been so horrible that I just did not feel
like writing all down and re-experiencing them. I'm better now, sort of.

I weighed my self three days ago, and I had ballooned up to 230.7
lbs! Since then, I've been so disgusted with myself that I've been
throwing up everything I eat. At the gym today, I weighed myself
before working out, and I'm back down to 222!

I'm happy to have lost weight, but I am wary of the dangers of what I
am doing. Due to the fact that I have upcoming auditions, I don't plan
on throwing up anymore. At least not after I throw up dinner!

I wish someone could tell me why I keep doing this to myself. Every
time, I tell myself "this is the last.". So why the fuck can't I stop?

I'm not in the mood to write about yesterday.

At least I scheduled my NYU audition. February 18th at the Alliance
Theatre. I find comfort in that I'll be auditioning on my own turf.

I will be ready.

I will post about the inauguration later; I'm performing a monologue in class today, and my nerves are killing me.

I have yet to finish memorization.

Why did I have to volunteer to go third?

I feel so sick (and not just because I ate). My stomache clenches up
at the thought of my upcoming auditions.

I'm not prepared. I'm going to throw up.

So last night I wrote a long-winded post, only to have it deleted when
my iPod touch died. I have tried to retell yesterday's happenings as
well as by memory will allow:

Yesterday, I finally spent some much-needed time at the gym. The fact
that we spent the whole Acting class, the day before, practicing
Alexander technique and Laban movement has much to do with my
motivation. You try not feeling self-conscious loping around and
moaning like a gorilla- on stage! I must admit that I had a lot of
fun, especially because everyone else was forced to do the same
thing. I was, however, definitely the most loud and ridiculous person.

At the gym, I jogged a mile (okay, half-walked), spent 15 minutes on
the elliptical (set on 11), and cycled 16 miles on the stationary. I
would have done more, but my father showed up and we went to Whole
Foods for some soup and salad (the gumbo was not as good as it
looked). Later, I had a hard-boiled egg and a spoonful of a
strawberry cheesecake I concocted from that Jello brand mix. All I
did was add milk, so you can guess how fake it tastes. Whatever, I'm
proud of myself.

Today, I went to the gym again but was unable to work out as much
because my father had to rush off to a dinner party (with whom? my
mother asks). I ended up spending 30 minutes on the elliptical (set
at 11), and cycled 4.3 miles on the stationary. Tomorrow, I'll go for
18 miles.

Before going to the gym, I had a cheese pizza Hot Pocket, which I
threw up in the privacy of the women's locker room. Nobody else uses
the gym anyways (it's in this ritzy building my dad has 2 condos in;
everyone else goes to some fantay-pants gym). This should not imply
that we are very wealthy; my father renovated the condos with his own
hands, and is renting them out. Plus, the gym is free and usually
empty, so why the hell should I go to a crowded YMCA?

I definitely feel better when I exercise but I am a little worried
that I'll go back to the way I was before. What worries me most is
that I will welcome that old self as long as I look as good as I did.

Oh, and I've had a little alcohol just now: 3 shots of Grey Goose
followed by some Ruby Red grapefruit juice. More to follow.

Horrible, horrible.

I've just eaten an order of large fries. With mayo.

God, I want to throw up.

I can't keep doing this. Auditions are coming up. What am I supposed to do if I look like I weigh a million pounds, just not go? I am so screwed.

I really do plan on throwing up, although I'm not going to get into that whole cycle again.

No sirree, not me.

I'm sitting on the toilet, using my ipod touch to update my blog. It
feels like I spend most of my time at Georgia State in restrooms,
primping or just sitting on the toilet. It's beginning to be a
problem now, this sitting; sometimes I'm here so long my legs go numb,
or I practically fall asleep. The majority of the rest of the time I
spend at the library, sitting at one of the computers. Do you see a
pattern here?

For dinner (well, technically last night's dinner, as I'm writing this
a little after midnight), I had some vegan chicken nuggets with that
soy fake-mayo, as well as 2 pieces of baklava and some Reese's. Kill
me now.

On the bright side, I've lost 4 lbs. these past two days.

Also, I just submitted my SUNY-Purchase application, as well as my SAT
scores. I can sleep well... for the next few hours.

Been sitting at the computer all day. My ass hurts. I really should
have taken a nap. At least I finished reading ALL of Belle de Jour's
blog.

Haven't eaten yet. Let's see how long this will last.

I feel sick. Tired and sick. And fat.

No way I'm going to class today. After I'm done messing around on the computer, I'll go to the student center and sleep on one of the couches.

I really need to stop eating. No eating today, okay? Please?

Can I tell you a secret?

I weight 229 lbs.

I feel like my skin is going to explode.

In the beginning...

I always promise myself to keep a journal, only to forget about it within a few days. Hopefully I won't drop this one. All great people keep journals, and, in case you don't know, I plan on being just that. As to the content of my first post, well, let's hope tomorrow is nothing like today.

This morning, I could not, for the life of me, get out of my bed. My mother came even came into my room to try to scream some sense into me but my body just would not budge. "Please," I rasped, "ask dad to take me in time for my 2:30 class." And so I went back to sleep... for thirty minutes, until my father started his usual bout of calling my name. Get up! Get up!

Why me? I mean, obviously I wasn't feeling well; so why did he just have to call my name every few seconds? It's not as if he even needed anything from me; he does this every day.

Will continue this later. I need to check out books for the library.

Ok, so I'm back. Long story short, I ended up getting no sleep at all. When I got out of bed, I felt like hell, so I threw some clothes on and curled up under my blankets. Because he decided to stop by the the other house to check on something, and the music store to buy violin strings, as well as dropping off the dog at Petsmart, I ended up being twenty minutes late to Group Voice.

Fantastic. In class, we learned our first song, and were let out early. No problem. I then went to the library, checked my email and did nothing until Acting Two. I was feeling particularly gross (fat and fashionably retarded, due to the Armenian flag shirt I was wearing), so I was relieved that we had a lecture the entire time.

Got home, realized I left a stack of papers on top of the computer at the library. Called them. Apparently the cleaning crew threw the papers away.

I'm screwed.

Oh, and then I got in a fight with my mother- but that's a pretty regular thing.

What a nice day.