I fasted for ten days, and lost twenty pounds.

Ended it by bingeing and purging numerous times.

My heart hurts, and my fingers are swollen.

I weigh 222.

Shit, shit, shit.

I know I don't look as bad as her, as she is thought to be lying about her weight (by at least 30, 40 pounds), and as I am about 5'9" and her height is somewhere between 5'4" and 5'7". Still, when I look at photographs of myself, it is not difficult to see the similarities and the possibility of looking like that in the future, if I continue this way.

The sad thing? I'm really, really hungry. Right now, I could really go for some pizza.

I just got back from the theatre office (closed). This is not good. I was supposed to audition last evening, but couldn't get a ride. Anyways, I left a message on the dry erase board, asking if I can audition tomorrow, during callbacks. I have been having second thoughts about this audition. For one thing, I haven't read the play; it's one that's not that well known, written by a Canadian author. I have, however, done my online research, and I honestly don't think I'm a good for either of the two female roles. Also, I feel fat. But that's a given. Despite the doubts, I still want to audition -- my horoscope said that this week, a talent scout will be impressed with me. Ha.

So far today, I've eaten an egg salad sandwich, and fries. With mayo. And the sandwich was greasy. Not good. What was really embarrassing was that when I asked for mayo, the Asian guy at the counter laughed, "You really like mayo!" Even the obese man standing in line behind me laughed.

Oh, my life...

I keep telling myself today's the day I- but I never follow through. This has been a pattern for as long as I can remember, and it has lost me so many opportunities. I just keep letting myself down. Not anymore... Please?

I didn't throw up. I realized that I wasn't sure where my classroom was, so I went straight to the building. When I finally got to class, I decided that there was no point in trying to throw it up.

I'm a little happy about that decision.

However, that class is just way too long. I can't believe that I have to take a four-hour long bio lab. I mean, I'm a theatre major. I don't need to know that biology shit. And then I have to do it again, for 1104? Ugh. Not excited.

Anyways, I'm really exhausted today. I think when I go home (in a few minutes), I'll take a two-hour nap, and then start on my homework.

School has started again, and I am so stressed. I still cannot believe that have had only a week's vacation between Maymester and Summer semester! Waking up at six is not fun. I'm taking four classes, from eight in the morning to seven forty-five in the evening. With only ten-minute breaks in between. What the fuck? The good thing is that I only have class two days a week, and today only have class from twelve to four.

Other than the rush of getting ready for school, nothing has changed. I'm almost done with cleaning my room. For the first time ever, my sister's side is messier. My father said he'll buy me a laptop if I keep it clean (yes, I realize how juvenile that sounds), and I really, really want a Mac. We'll see.

I've finally lost a little bit of weight. I'm at 221 lbs. right now, meaning I've only lost 7.5 lbs. since May 1st. I am definitely unhappy about that, but am proud that I have been maintaining around 221 lbs.

I have been throwing up pretty much every day I've been at school -- once a day, on average. However, last night I threw up my dinner. I had to be very sneaky because my sister was half-asleep on her bed, so I turned on some music and hid behind a box. It only took a few minutes, and I used several bags and a few sprays of Febreze and pushed it under my bed. I know it sounds disgusting -- it is -- but I just had to throw up. I'm not just saying that in a bulimic-denial way; I felt really, really nauseated.

Well, that's the story of my life, pathetic as it is. I'm about to go throw up some cold pizza and run to my bio lab.