I haven't gained any more weight. That definitely makes me happy.

I'm trying not to think about food, but I am so hungry.

Lately, I've been looking into psychedelics. Ayahuasca interests me the most, and I want to know if there are any ceremonies in the Atlanta area.

http://www.alternet.org/drugreporter/140215/have_you_ever_taken_ayahuasca_in_the_peruvian_amazon/?page=1

Sounds so exciting.

I binged again:

1 veggie burger from Burger King
1 asiago bagel with salmon shmear from Einstein Bros.
1 veggie burrito from Moe's
1 medium sized sweet tea
1 bag Salt and Vinegar chips
1 bag Welch's Fruit Snacks
1 large slice of cheeze pizza
Drank 32 oz. water

I'm about to go throw up.

Why can't I stop?

I've gained back pretty much all the weight I lost.

My uncle was in town so I was at his house for a few days.

I have no self-control.

I just threw up two veggie burgers, a large order of fries, a candy bar, and a cup of sweet tea.

And I'm still hungry.

I threw up again yesterday. It's becoming pretty automatic now. In fact, I am, at the moment planning on walking over to the student center, purchasing a veggie burger from Burger King, and maybe a bagel from Einstein Bro.'s, eating in the library and rushing off to my now-designated purging restroom.

Sick, isn't it?

I'm not yet at the point I was at four years ago, but I'm afraid that I will get there soon. When I first became bulimic, it was a slow process; I am now moving forward (or backwards, as you wish) at an exponentially faster rate.

Did I ever stop being bulimic? I mean, can it ever really go away? I've heard alcoholics say they are always alcoholics, but does that apply here? I know my disordered eating never really stopped (I gained 94 pounds back; it does, after all, work both ways), but I haven't been this bad in so long.

Another sick fact: yesterday, when I was throwing up (I use my right hand), my ring fell into the toilet. I'm vaguely excited about this because I've been wearing it on my pinky because it doesn't fit my ring finger, and lately I've been able to twist it around pretty comfortably. Needless to say, I did not retrieve it from the toilet.

I was too tired to go to my first class, so I pushed together two of the couches in the student center and slept for a solid four hours.

I wonder when my good days will start?

I'm not feeling well.

Today just hasn't been a good day.

I didn't wake up on time to email my teacher my speech.

I didn't finish my play on time, and bull-shitted my ending so I could make it to class before the door was locked. It has only six pages; the teacher asked for 10-20.

Just so, so tired.

I've thrown up twice today. This has to stop. I don't enjoy it; in fact, it hurts. For lunch, I had a veggie burger from Burger King, and before I even walked over to the student center, I knew I would throw it up. But I couldn't stop. It's sort of like being pulled by a string; my limbs were not my own. And when I went threw it up, some of it got stuck in my throat. I guess I hadn't had enough water to drink, and it hurt so badly, I was seriously afraid that I had damaged my throat.

Please God, please -- if you even fucking exist -- help me.

Caroline Trentini. Fabulous.

After ballooning up to 228.5 lbs, I decided to fast for 21 days. To clear the body and mind, but mostly to lose weight. Anyways, I had to stop on the fifth day; the Metformin really, really made me ill. I was throwing up non-stop, and just felt horrible. And so I've stopped taking my pills. They didn't help me anyways.

The good news is that I now weigh 217 lbs. I haven't weighed that little in forever, and I'm so, so glad that I'm finally out of the '20's. I've lost 11.5 lbs since May 1st, which is when I weighed that horrible, unmentionable, irrepeatable amount...

And I havent' eaten today.

The bad news is that I have a hefty bag of vomit under my bed.

I know I've been telling myself over and over again, that I need to change; that only I can start a different life; that my future rests on myself.

And I think I've done it, for real. I mean, it's taken a long while, but I am no longer a child.

I've learned to never lean on anyone... the hard way.

But I've been given the push that I know I needed.

So I'm... excited?